It would be nice if I wasn't the way I am.
I wish I liked people more than just in small doses. There are people around me who are good people. There are so many planets I could find orbit around, but I'm more interested in drifting through the vacuum. Oh, I find a world with a gravitational pull that agrees with me. I drift in closer and I can see rivers, land masses, I can see continents and I see the possibility to land and set up a settlement, all from a moon's length away.
I scan, I send probes and sometimes even scouting parties. I do this, and sometimes I recognize grave danger, or I recognize that the cost of building here would be too great. That's when I pull away, and continue drifting, inbetween stars and wormholes, and great celestial mysteries. They don't matter, they're just distractions from the journey, so onward I go.
Other times, I find what appears to be perfect. Lush green hills, deep oceans and snow-capped mountains, with long endless beaches plucked straight out of paradise. I envision staying, landing down and turning the ship into a fossil. Into living, living for once.
And that's when...I pull away, and continue drifting. I know it hurts those close to me. There are people who recognize me, who I barely know. It's always been that way, in high school and especially beyond, I could barely remember the names of my teachers, only knowing them by vague facial features. I've always just felt distant, you know? I've grown up around quite a number of people, some of them are friends, some of them are family, some, later in life, have been more. But the people I've grown up with? That number is far, far fewer.
I don't know. I don't know why I prefer isolation. I don't know why I can only be around someone so long before I want them to go away for a while. I don't know how I'm gonna sustain long term relationships. I don't know how I'm gonna build a family later, if I do. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't fucking know.